To choose a one-word theme for the past past few months (more like about 6 months) of my life it would be frustration.
frustration
the feeling of being upset or annoyed as a result of being unable to change or achieve something.
the prevention of the progress, success, or fulfilment of something.
Prevention of progress…. so much.
It’s hard to write anything about it because I don’t want to ‘complain’. I hate hearing people complain about things and I think it’s generally a waste of energy.
Instead I’m writing this for myself in the hope it might help me to cope with this level of frustration and maintain my patience and a clear goal/direction for the gamedev.
The issues surrounding the matter come down to a few things. Firstly, I recently rolled a new character into the world (my son Dean was born in July this year). He also has a 2 year old sister. They are great! Wouldn’t change anything about them. Unfortunately at the same time as this my wife has been really sick.
As would be expected, I’ve taken up most of the extra slack with caring for the kids whilst trying to help manage my wife’s health issues. Combine this with my stressful high pressure full-time job (how do you take leave from your own small business?). Our respective families have both chipped in to try help out but there’s a limit to what they can do.
This all combines into a shit storm of shit and shit. Generally I can’t sleep before 12-1am, add in waking up for the kids at 5-6am plus the in-frequent night sessions… then the 8-6 work day with an evening of dinner,bath and bed routines finishing around 9pm. My days are fucked!
Again, I’m trying not to complain here! I accept the things I must do! And I know it won’t last forever. But my frustration levels peak every time I sit down at night and try to get some gamedev work done. My brain refuses to cooperate most of the time and I just end up switching on the PS4/xbone.
Gaahhh….. I need to learn to shed expectation and embrace the freedom that being an indie developer allows me. I don’t have deadlines (other than self-imposed… hello Rift release date.. please be delayed) and I don’t have investors looking over my shoulder. I can work on whatever I want. I just need to work on finding the time to do it!
Yeah I do feel a little better now. Thanks internet, you’re great.
-Ryan